There are times when we don’t want to move on from someone we care about (but who no longer feels the same way about us).  We desperately try to make things better in the hope that we can salvage the good times and revitalise the relationship.  However, there comes a time when no matter how optimistic you are and how much you feel that you can save the day, you will need to move on and deal with the break up in the best way you can.

If you have recently come to the end of a relationship you probably know deep down that it is best to try to get over the relationship and MOVE ON as quickly as possible. But that this is far easier said than done especially if you were married or have children. You will probably need to go through a phase of constantly speaking with your friends and family about what happened, who was at fault and how you are feeling before attempting the next stage.

There will however, come a point when you want to move to the next stage and let go of your partner. But if you want to truly get over the person who you have been physically, psychologically and emotionally involved with for the past X weeks, Y months or Z years, then you are going to have to begin the process of forgetting them (1) on a physical level, (2) on a psychological level and (3) on an emotional level.

Below are 6 steps that will assist you to begin the process of letting go, getting over and moving on from your Ex on all 3 levels:

Step 1 – Mourn. Through mourning you give value to your loss. While there are different expressions of mourning and periods of mourning it is a natural process and part of overcoming a relationship that was once precious and valuable. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Leave past mistakes in the past but and ensure that close family and friends are part of your support system.

Step 2 – Look for the silver lining. Accept that at times we have to let go of something even though we have loved it deeply, invested a lot of time into it and visualized it lasting forever. Accept that there are experiences that simply have to come to an end in order to allow space for other experiences. Honestly commit to seeing what is good, valuable, worthy and fulfilling in all aspects of your life. Focus on your present and future rather than your past. Believe that you CAN move forward and change your life.

Step 3 – Change your environment. Physically remove anything that reminds you of your Ex. This includes photographs, gifts, messages, etc. It is far more difficult for our neurological antenna (senses) to cease focusing on something if we are feeding it information – so starve it! Physical removal of memory triggers should also include disregarding items such as favorite music, foods, perfumes, films, books, clothes etc. Anything that reminds you of your Ex needs to go!

Step 4 – Replace what you may have removed with something new and exciting. As humans, we absolutely hate the idea of losing something. It is the No1 reason we have a problem “losing” weight “giving up” smoking or “reducing our intake” of chocolate. “Replacement Therapy” is all about giving ourselves something in place of what we have lost or want to move on from. The best way is to make up for something that you have removed is with something new, exciting and beneficial.

Step 5 – Learn some mind control techniques. (a) Learn how beliefs impact thoughts and thoughts impact emotions. (b) Understand that the conscious mind can only focus on a finite number of things at once. Use this fact to focus yourself in the present rather than the past. (c) Practice “Chatter Control techniques. The “chatter in your mind” is usually set off by the sensory memory triggers we spoke of in Step 3 and result in one associated memory linking to the another. In order to truly move on psychologically from your Ex it is this constant chatter that you will need to control. Techniques such as the use of affirmations will assist as well as creating new experiences, new emotions and new memories that replace the old.

Step 6 – Connect more emotionally. Emotional connection with your friends, family and yourself at this time is vital to prevent you from social withdrawal. This will allow you to create the new emotional experiences and memories spoken of above that will mask previous experiences, memories and emotions with your Ex. Recognize that the love which we all crave comes in all shapes, sizes and forms.

Above all, stay emotionally, psychologically and physically connected in the present rather than the past. Here’s something you might be interested in to help you Forget Your Ex in 24 Hours!

More information on getting over your Ex and moving on.
]]> http://badboydetox.wordpress.com/2009/05/22/heartbroken-about-your-ex-heres-6-steps-to-quickly-get-over-your-break-up/feed/ 0 badboydetox http://badboydetox.wordpress.com/2009/05/11/5-more-reasons-women-become-addicted-to-bad-boys/ http://badboydetox.wordpress.com/2009/05/11/5-more-reasons-women-become-addicted-to-bad-boys/#comments Mon, 11 May 2009 16:51:43 +0000 badboydetox http://badboydetox.wordpress.com/?p=14 ]]> I guess we have little defence for a peacock exuding confidence, fearlessness and untamed mascalinity, but why do we become addicted to the Bad Boy end of the spectrum?

Below are 5 more reasons I have observed that women fall for the Bad Boy type that follow on from my original post:

Self Esteem Issues If a woman does not feel good about herself and her life, she will have issues with intimacy and therefore consciously and subconsciously send messages that attract someone who reinforces her negative self image.  Bad Boys are experts at picking up the scent of women who are vulnerable. They are seen as easy pickings and TARGETS who are easily manipulated and controlled.  Sadly, the women are undermined and her self worth decreases dramatically as the relationship sets  off a chain reaction of disrespect and bad treatment and negative cycle.   These women can be heard to defend him saying “He’s so confident, self assured, strong and I feel safe and protected by him”.

Romantic Programming Little girls and big girls are constantly bombarded with images (through song, music-videos and movies) of the excitement and romance of the Bad Boy.  The ‘romantic hero’ has so often been portrayed as charming (fast talking witty, wise-guy), romantic (master seducer who knows the way to a woman’s bed) passionate (highly strung, quick tempered, violent), mysterious & artistic (moody, poor social skills, selfish, psychopathic, misunderstood) a hapless Lothario (confused, non-committing), chequered past (criminal),  a victim of circumstance (emotionally broken) or all 7in one.  By the time a ‘romantic’ spin has been applied to the male characters they have been transformed to anti-hero and somehow worthy of the heroin’s heart (and she will obviously “fix him.” – See below). 

“I can fix him” The world is full of altruistic women who think that with time and the patience of Mother Teresa they can take a Bad Boy and change him “with my love”.  Unfortunately, it is a fruitless mission where hope is slowly worn down by countless battles and faith is eroded by disappointment.  The point that they are missing is that Bad Boy does not want to be fixed or helped as he is content to continue to play the field, break hearts for as long as he so desires.

History Repeating Itself It is unfortunate that if a woman has been surrounded by Bad Boys in her formative years, she may feel that the character traits of a Bad Boy are NORMAL.  Also, if a woman If a woman has been too long in the role of caregiver, rescuer, or the one who sacrifices “for the good of others”, this will probably be the role she will seek out in her relationships with men.

Seduction Techniques – It was stated by Voltaire that ““It is not enough to conquer; one must learn to seduce.” Once the guarded secret of intuitive men, seduction techniques are now (no small thanks to the internet and a proliferation of gurus teaching them) bandied around with the promise of to making men “ irresistible to women” (in spite of the  obvious flaws) and give them  the dating life they “have only yet dreamed of”.

Ultimately, any woman who wants to break free from their addiction Bad Boys or break the cycle of bad relationships will need to be honest with themselves and figure out what they really want in their lives.

Following my experiences with dating a series of ‘Bad Boys’, making poor relationship choices and surviving intact, I have gone undercover as Agent D in the battle of the sexes and set herself a goal to assist 100,000 other women to break free from she calls their ‘Bad Boy Addiction’.   Further information on Bad Boy Addiction and breaking the cycle of bad relationships can be found at www.badboydetox.com and Twitter.

Below are 5 reasons I have observed that women fall for the Bad Boy type:

Danger and Thrill Addiction The woman who is a thrill seeker or danger-junky, needing her regular fix of adrenalin shots, fun, adventure and drama will probably be very attracted to the Bad Boy. He will provide a relationship that brings with it an emotional rollercoaster ride that will keep her on her toes second guessing his every move, keeping a look out for signs of competitors moving in on her territory and ever thinking of strategic ways to keep her man interested.  Interestingly, she will respond defensively when questioned by her friends and family as to why she puts up with his poor behaviour and lack of commitment:  “He excites me…he is never predictable…he keeps me on my toes…I am never bored with him”.

Fulfilment of Self Image Fantasy On the whole women desire (relationships) and men that fit into their self image fantasies.  As we are also socially and genetically programmed to believe that men who are more interesting, intelligent, funny and attractive make better mates, if a woman is confident and outgoing she may be attracted to a Bad Boy who is perceived to be cleverer and more exciting than the guy next door.  On the surface a Bad Boy will confidently deliver the fantasy that together they can “have it all” and be “the Golden Couple”, he thus completes her confident self.  If, however, a woman is less confident he is equally able to make her believe that he is the best thing FOR her and the best thing that has ever happened TO her.  If a woman is vulnerable she will be prone to believe that he IS the best thing that has ever happened to her. She may well fall for his surface ‘charms’ as a  shortcut to achievement and achieving the things she desires.  In both examples he will make her feel amazing and portray the ability to deliver adventure, fun and excitement.

Addiction to Sex Additionally, anyone who is addicted to sex will be immediately attracted to the sexual magnetism of a Bad Boy as he emits prowess, insatiability and the persona of a master seducer. Period.

Addiction to Emoting The woman who is addicted to emoting through art or music may be attracted to the bad boy who will constantly let her down and, therefore offer a means to emotionally ‘let off’. She is hooked on the emotional highs that he may provide as well as the lows.  It is the extremity of the emotions that somehow give her the feeling of “being alive”.

Means & Power Bad Boys are perceived to be cleverer than the guy next door and, again,  as we are socially and genetically programmed to believe that men who are intelligent (and attractive) make better providers, as potential mothers, women are predisposed physically to be attracted to men with the ability to care for them and their future offspring.  Bad Boys generally project an aura of power and the financial means to shower women with gifts and provide for their material needs.  From Gangster Molls to present day Urban-Molls the message is the same:  provision and protection.  However, while in the past women were more reliant upon men for the well-being and financial security of themselves and their children, the past 50 years have seen women increasingly entering and dominating certain market places and workplaces to earn their own wealth and security.  Yet the attraction remains.

Ultimately, any woman who wants to break free from their addiction Bad Boys or break the cycle of bad relationships will need to be honest with themselves and figure out what they really want in their lives.

Following my experiences with dating a series of ‘Bad Boys’, making poor relationship choices and surviving intact, I have gone undercover as Agent D  in the battle of the sexes and set myself a goal to assist 100,000 other women to break free from their ‘Bad Boy Addiction’.   Further information on Bad Boy Addiction and breaking the cycle of bad relationships can be found at www.badboydetox.com and Twitter.

A classic 80’s comedy sees a wealthy upper West Side WASP trade places with a down and out  African American and tests the hypothesis as to whether, a life  of failure and dysfunctional behaviour can be influenced and changed within a short time simply by exposing the down-and-out to a new lifestyle with new ‘rules’, experiences and opportunities.   It raises the intriguing question for me as a woman whether we can de-programme and re-programme ourselves to find the Good Guy attractive and the Bad Guy less attractive?  Are we able to train our Good Guy to develop and possess some of the traits of a Bad Boy in order to keep us excited and to satisfy our primal need for the Alpha Male?

Well according to some evil geniuses, aka relationship gurus, it is easy for a non-dating Invisible Guy to change, be perceived as the Alpha Male he wishes to be, and attract all the female attention he can handle (by following some simple techniques).  So I conclude that the converse must be true – right?  Well, having read all the current must do techniques around in cyberspace I really wish I had taken my lump of Good Guy clay from back in the day and attempted to mould him into my ‘1 part Bad Boy:  1 part Good Guy Perfect Boyfriend’ by sending him to Bad Boy Camp and teaching him how to keep me both excited AND emotionally nourished.

Lucky for me I happen to wake up from my Bad Boy Addiction a while ago  and saw the monster that was right before my eyes masquerading as a man ready for commitment and marriage when in fact he was a Bad Boy having fun with his toy (ME).  After years of dating on both sides of the fence, I can happily declare that the jury has deliberated long and hard and come to the conclusion that Good Guy is far better for a healthy, stable and fulfilling relationship for the following reasons:

1. Good Guy can be taught to be more confident – in fact confidence increases with achievement and the more achievement he gains the greater his confidence levels.
2. Good Guys can be taught to be a little unpredictable and selfish with his time and space (thereby giving us the gift of missing him).
3. Good Guys can be given the space to grow in his Alpha-Maleness, show strength, decisiveness, leadership in the relationship and be protective of his women’s emotional health.

Of course all the above is true only if we are able to be truly patient, supportive and give our Good Guy the space and time he needs to develop his Bad Boy traits and grow into a Man who radiates the self-confidence, convictions, virility, excitement and manly life attitudes that we find so breathtakingly appealing.

If, however, unlike myself, you have lived the miracle of Bad Boy transforming into Exciting Good Guy drop me a line and let me know I would really love to hear your happy endings at AgentD@badboydetox.com.

Following my experiences with dating a series of ‘Bad Boys’, making poor relationship choices and surviving intact, I have gone undercover as Agent D in the battle of the sexes and set a goal to assist 100,000 other women to break free from  their ‘Bad Boy Addiction’.   Further information on Bad Boy Addiction and breaking the cycle of bad relationships can be found at www.badboydetox.com and Twitter.